Amateur Ramblings

What we did on our holidays - Guestblog: John Keith

My Austria

On the first day we discovered the Mexican boy beneath the staircase. He said his name was Alpuerto but his friends called him ‘Mono’ on account of his deafness in one ear. He told us about his life and said that the German Austrian lady kept him prisoner and that she would not allow us to leave the cabin alive. I took fright but counted my blessings. After all, it’s not every day you meet a real Mexican boy with good English.

He said that his family lived in the valley and that if you were to lie down on the eastern side, the tree-tops on the western valley spelled out the word Mexico in bold italics. We quickly nicknamed him ‘Pedro’ and ‘Ped’ became an uninvited guest at our table during our often turbulent and fractious meal times. Pedro’s affection for us was limited only to Neil. He tousled with his hair and said he would be Neil’s monkey come rain, wind or shine. In exchange for sweets he taught us enough German to enable us to escape the clutches of the short faced Austrian-German lady unscathed.

Austro fact: In Austria the weather leaps from the skies, banshee like.

We took a coach ride up the famous ‘spag’ road to the greyest, deepest and most staunchly figurative mountain I’ve ever seen my life. It is the rightful home of Spanish ice-cream and to celebrate our arrival, Lee gave us a stirring and delicate performance of ‘Ave Maria’. The natural reverb from the surrounding mountains meant that the tourists were treated to a moment - and I quote: ‘sent direct from god’. Global warming? I think so!

Most of the locals were peasants and they ate directly from the land. Half of Austria is owned by the ‘All American Gold Star Sausage and Hotdog Industry’ (AAGSSHI). AAGSSHI factories present a daunting opposition to the Austrian countryside and the timid mountains seem to cower before the all-encompassing conglomerate. Tourists flock to the underground salt mines in the region to see livestock seasoned alive before being fed into the AAGSSHI meat plants via an underground shuttle. It costs 7 Euros (that’s about 18 US dollars or 14 yen). It’s a good place to try out some of the local cuisine. We opted for one of the main courses. It was a rich dish full of fruity with textures that dissolved like bitter barley on the tongue. We had both a vegan and a vegetarian in our party - because we’re in touch with those kind of people too.

Austro fact: I think I probably saw about 5000 people. I’d say about 2 percent of these were black.

The Greek god Zeus lives in Salzburg and shop-faces are unashamedly adorned with his robust face on chocolate boxes, toothpicks and leather shorts. We had reached the mid-point of our stay and the days and nights were rolling by effortlessly – one after the other, followed by another one…two, three more followed, then four, five – possibly 2 years passed. I had decided to ship my entire belongings to Austria. I demanded a business class seat for my more precious belongings and an in-flight meal for my oak chest of drawers. It was my intention to purchase a terrace of homes from the peasants whom I would then employ to work and feed from my land. The deal was almost at a fingertips reach when I made a discovery that would ruin both my life and the lives of my wanton, woeful peasants. Like Saint Nicholas, Bob Hope, and Stalin, the single greatest source of the regions wealth and the inspiration for my self-imposed exile from my homeland was in fact, a dead man.

Austro-fact: Most Germans live in Austria.

Austrian nightlife is dominated by the sex industry, with locals offering lewd dances or ‘performances’ in exchange for alcohol and ‘tobac’. Advances from male prostitutes are frequent and are as unwelcome as they are unavoidable as they are unpleasant. I paid for a young girl named Amber. She cost 7 Euros and the session lasted for 1 hour.

They’ve all gone home now. The Austrian–German lady won’t return my calls and Pedro choked to death on sweets. So it came to an end. Our own slice of paradise was eventually eaten by the hand that fed it. My favourite memory? Walking barefoot through the desert, compass in hand, feeling like I was in a place I thought only existed in my imagination.

Overall rating - 4 American Stars. Dankeschtnurn.

what we did on our holidays - guest blog: neil wilson

synopsis of my time in the land of austria – part three: salzburg

ahhhh, civilisation. we arrive in salzburg and get a taxi to our modest, but extremely comfortable hotel. me and deb only had two days in salzburg as we had to return to work earlier than the others in the group. i think we made the most of our time there though! the highlight here for me was watching deb get wasted in a local bar we happened upon. the place was nice and very friendly and gave me opportunity to speak to some austrian people, who spoke fluent english. that evening we’d arranged to go for some food and ended up having chinese. lee decided against this and stayed in the bar to sup more austrian lager. the meal was very nice but the best thing about it was when deb helpfully tried to clear the table by handing the waitress our plates but suddenly, from a seated position, fell off her chair and landed on the floor. too embarrassed to assist me and john turned our heads in shame. welcome to salzburg deb!

during the days and nights we saw many amazing sights and soaked up the atmosphere. salzburg has fantastic architecture and many tourist attractions. we visited several ornate churches, went to a modern art gallery (i wasn’t impressed), took shelter from the sun in a huge fortress on top of a hill/mountain, and walked around the old and new towns for many hours. i especially enjoyed the times spent eating and drinking the fine beer. on mine and deb’s final night we went to a really nice indian restaurant which catered for vegans and meat eaters. the place was empty and i was well impressed with their home made naans. another quality moment which again involved deb happened during our meal. there was a young girl sat by our table listing to her walkman, or whatever, colouring in her book. i noticed that the girl had downs syndrome and assumed that she we was a family member of the restaurant owners. anyway, i heard the girl was humming along to her favourite tunes but deb hadn’t noticed this. enjoying our meal deb said out loud, something along the lines of, what is that god awful noise, it sounds like someone’s being murdered? oh deb, what a terrible faux pas. to be fair to deb though, she would never have said this had she known. pour vous! to sum up, my holiday to austria was superb! i wasn’t looking forward to it all that much but i had a really fantastic time with some of my bestest friends. until next year. ich bin zwolf jahre alt!

what we did on our holidays - guest blog: neil wilson

synopsis of my time in the land of austria - part two: taxenbach

a brief taxi journey from the airport to salzburg main train station - a bit scrutty for my liking. we find our train and an hour and a half later we’re in the pitch blackness of taxenbach. almost falling onto the tracks from the train i trundle over to the station house. lots of interesting sounds fill the air; wildlife buzz and hiss and water rushes somewhere nearby. adventures ahoy! we saw a sign to taxenbach and considered following it. we were right not to as it would only take us in the opposite direction of our accommodation. gemma enquired about calling a taxi (not the biscuit sort), but we were told that they don’t operate in the area. the station guard then made a telephone call to our austrian (only) speaking hostess and she arrived to pick us up, accompanied by her stinky dog, charlie. please charlie, don’t lick or sit by me. honestly he did stink. quite sweet though. we drove up steep hills and turned tight corners and stopped at base camp. unable to speak the lingo, it was a tad frustrating/awkward trying to communicate at times. my german language skills are very limited indeed; hello, how old are you, thanks, cheers (this one thanks to tom).

entering the chalet was very exciting; however i have to admit, i was disappointed to begin with. the main reason was that our hostess had not left us with any supplies, such as coffee, milk, bread, nor even a bottle of wine. i sent a text to my mum informing her of my safe arrival and confirming ‘first impressions, shit!’. which would later come back to bite me on my arse, as you will soon read.that night we played cards like maniacs, an activity which continued throughout the trip, and we drank boiled water, which left a white chalky substance in the drinking vessel, possibly fluoride, according to dr gemma? the boiled water idea quickly ceased and soon after we drank straight from the tap via a cup or glass and became slightly hysterical. does fluoride cause hysteria? a great night had by all. here’s where my arse gets bitten; that morning deb and lee (our heroes) awoke the earliest to buy supplies from the local shop. deb shook me and told me to look out the window at the view.

the place and surroundings were not in fact shit but in the light of day, actually quite awesome! here’s where days, events and activities merge and i’ve not really recalled them in the correct order. we walked into taxenbach town centre, about an hour, along a busy road. regardless of the traffic noise we had a lovely leisurely stroll with the sun beating down on our little english heads. arriving in town we had some refreshing beverages and i had paella for lunch. after a walk around the tiny area we went to billa, to get some groceries and booze. we all chipped in and loaded ourselves up with bags. a short journey on the bus and we stopped at the bottom of our steep hill. i didn’t realise just how unfit i was until this moment. commence ‘operation purple-sweaty-face’. that evening we chilled, talked, ate, drank, listened to ipods, played cards and laughed a lot. these moments were kinda the theme of the holiday and were my favourite times above all. another great day and night!

yet again another lovely morn with delicious meats and putrid cheeses for brecky. we took a trip to zell am see, another town centre but much bigger than taxenbach. i liked it there because, i’m sorry to say, there were tacky shops and people, but it wasn’t in-your-face busy, just pleasant.

on a downside though, never drink or eat at crazy daisy’s. my meal was a bit poo and we were over-charged. before leaving the town tom and gemma arranged for us to take a coach trip the following day up the highest mountain in austria! we then had a sinister cab ride back to the chalet. as we crossed the road to get into the first taxi, as you do, the second cabby accosted us demanding that we get in his taxi. ‘nah mate, you’re alright thanks’. i was a bit apprehensive to say the least of getting into our taxi because as we approached, a blood stained tramp vacated the front seat (where i was forced to sit) rambling on about something or another. quality service indeed! after a brief haggle of an appropriate fare we set off for home.

awaking way too early the next morning, a bit hung-over, i didn’t have time for breakfast before our daytrip. we boarded our coach and started off on our 27 hairpin bend journey. we stopped off at designated points for breaks before reaching our destination – just below the summit of the ‘grossglockner’. our tour guide, heidi, for the purposes of this summary, tried to sell us anything and everything. she tried to push on us some, ‘noice cakes and noice coffee’ in the cafe, as well as a book of the mountain which appeared to be printed in the 70’s! we arrived at the top, and frankly, even though the weather was cloudy and you could hardly see jack shit, the view was still pretty amazing. a real glacier, man! noice.

on the way back down we passed through a couple of villages/towns and rested for several minutes to take in the sea air. we stopped at a church which apparently contained some of christ our lord’s blood. does that mean scientists could clone jesus? we passed through another place which is quite close to italy. apparently, when mussolini invaded the area he wanted it to be more like italy, so he went and forced italian families to move there against their will. me, deb, john and christina had some lovely authentic italian ice-cream from there, noice. we also bought a 1gb camera memory stick for 17.99 euros each. get in! that night, after most of us went to bed, me, deb and john stayed up drinking lots of booze - wine, larger, vodka, and absinthe. a lethal cocktail in the hands of the inexperienced! i thought this was a very bold move by john as he would need to have his wits about him for the following day’s planned activity; white water rafting! ha.

me and deb decided against this for fear of our lives so we went for a walk to get pizza ingredients and stayed in the chalet. luckily, on the way back up the hill, heavy bags aplenty, our hostess and smelly charlie drove up and offered (hand gestured) us a lift. we then went our separate ways, albeit awkwardly. back to the rafting. all that needs to be said is that lee fell in the water. double ha. pour vous. the following day we ventured into zell am see one last time to check out a music festival held in the streets. we stopped at a mexican/italian restaurant for food. me and john shared our meals whilst listing to the haunting sounds of two men and an accordion, entertaining us with their rendition of hello dolly. anyway - food, we got chicken wings, spicy ribs, chips and garlic bread. marvellous! little did i know it then but tonight was going to be one of the funniest times i’ve had in ages. having supped quite a few beverages and having played several hands of shithead, we were given a pleasant surprise in the form of a visit from john’s alter ego, the austrian speaking gerhard accompanied by his translator (me). i never knew john was so fluent. i’m sure much offence would have been caused if in the company of the locals. sorry. brilliant though! the night also included an addition to the utility sock series, which made its debut appearance at the green man festival 2006. ladies and gentlemen, may i please present the utility headband:

the next day was our last in taxenbach before we journeyed to salzburg. previously in the week one of us got wind of a possible market in taxenbach. we took an alternative route this time on a cycle path through some picturesque countryside. we walked into the town realising that we got our dates mixed up and the market wasn’t happening for a couple of days. oh well. we also wanted to go on a waterfall/mountain trek but weren’t quite sure how to get there. we asked our friendly cafe waitress for directions, for the purposes of this summary lets call her ooter. i was so pleased i decided to wear my jesus sandals on this day (tsk). honestly, i mean who climbs up a mountain trek in sandals! my feet were in bulk. i was almost about to turn back but the end was in sight. we caught the bus to the chalet and made it back just in time to get some more booze from the shop at the bottom of the hill. oh the joy! another terrific night of entertainment and pizza ensued. the next morning, after uncomfortably settling our owed ‘taxes’ with our hostess, we got a lift to the train station. bye, bye stinky charlie. next stop, salzburg.

what we did on our holidays - guest blog: neil wilson

during the holiday, i asked the other if they would't mind writing up a report on their experience and impression of austria. here is the first of these, by neil.

synopsis of my time in the land of austria – part one: introduction

well then, well then, well then, good game, good game.

and so the flying sweats begin, two days before we’re* due to jet off to australia austria. i really don’t enjoy the experience of being packed into a tin can and being catapulted off at mach 10, or whatever, and cruising at an altitude of 35+ thousand feet! it’s just ‘plane’ wrong. so, we all arrive at manchester airport by train, three hours before check-in, thanks to the cunning, planning doctor who is gemma. thank you gemma. we check-in and edge forward to the departure lounge, where i, unwittingly, draw out a homemade bacon barm to eat. apparently such items should have been declared and disposed of before entering the departure lounge. how very rude of me. forgive?

two pints of lager later and we’re good to go, to the departure gate that is. our flight is announced and i go grey inside. lee returns from the toilet just before boarding. by this time my palms are leaking like a sewerage outlet. please god let us land safely. pleeeeeease. i’m braced for takeoff and sink back into my seat. clasping onto deb’s hand we’re 100ft in the air before i know it. no turbulence please i’m english! ummmmm, what to choose, what to choose; the flight catalogue is plucked from its resting nest and i’m browsing the booze menu before you can say ‘i’m not a celebrity…get me out of here!’. should i have a jd or cider…cider it is. prost! i’m on us holidays. i’m tentatively beginning to enjoy the sense of flying. i hope there aren’t any nutters on board who try to open the emergency exits. are the cabin crew trained in hand to hand combat?we land safely and i thank the cabin crew for a pleasant journey. alighting the plane the austrian heat hits us. we’ve arrived! 'wie alt bist du!’.

having arrived at the playmobil size airport of salzburg we find ourselves in a bit of predicament; tom’s bag has gone missing! to be honest though, as much as this was a great inconvenience to tom, and i think i say this on behalf of all the males present, thank the dear gods it wasn’t one of the girls’ bags that didn’t turn up! tom handled this difficult time like a real trouper. a+. i did offer him a turn of my underpants but he gracefully declined. to conclude this matter, tom’s bag was delivered by the airport a few days later. that night tom threw an exceptional clothes, shoes and suntan cream party.

* neil, deb, tom, gemma, john, christina, lee.